Inever thought a girl known for her perfectionism and “goody two shoes” character would ever find herself jail-bound. Well, I guess there is a first time for everything: In a previous blog, I mentioned my “Sin Summer” in 2013. In several aspects of my life, I was tired of being the one to always say sorry, tired of being the one who always had to stand in faith, and tired of being the one who had to pray and take the road less traveled. I felt as though I had to always stay positive, couldn’t make mistakes, and expected to carry all the responsibilities of work and home. It grew to be too much. Consequently, I decided to take matters into my own hands and be in charge of my own happiness instead of letting Christ be the source of my joy. I found myself doing selfish acts that temporarily satisfied my desires and indulged in activities that made me feel good for a brief moment. There is one particular incident, however, that stopped me dead in my tracks:
I decided to stop by a department store on a boring day. Mind you, at this time, I had a phenomenal job, made nice money, and could have bought several things in this store. However, being on an emotional search for love and happiness, my life needed excitement ….a thrill…an adventure…a dare…something to make me feel alive. (You might have experienced this: when your desire for happiness supersedes what is right and you lose rationalization, and because God’s voice is not clear, you tend to gravitate to other voices (your own)). Desperate for excitement, because my life was so void of it, I put a shirt in my purse! Guys, I stole a shirt! Well, I obviously wasn’t a very good thief when a police chased me down and took me to a room where they had videotaped me. Clear as day, they had me on camera. He proceeded to tell me the next steps- banned from the store, arrest, jail time… you can imagine how I was feeling. Then he said this, “But I’m not going to do that. I already know what type of person you are and I know this, THIS IS NOT YOU. What you are doing IS NOT YOU.” Right there, with the cop, security guard, and cameras, I busted into tears! It wasn’t me! What was I doing? How did I freakin’ get here? They let me go, and told me to come back anytime. I went to my car and sobbed for what seemed like hours. I was so lost, but God’s grace saved me, reminding me of His love for me, and used a stranger to tell me His thoughts toward me-that He knows what I did was not me and it was time to get back to who I truly was. It was the rekindling of a beautiful friendship. In the midst of all of my junk, He still saw me. Not the me that messed up, not the me that made mistakes, no the me that drew myself away from Him, but He saw my heart. He saw where I was going. He saw my destiny. He still called me beautiful, his daughter, strong, powerful, determined, lovely and a leader.
If you have found yourself in an unrecognizable state, doing things you know are not you, participating in things where you don’t fit, but doing them because it provides temporary satisfaction, taking the bumps and bruises (sometimes literally) just to be happy, please know those decisions will keep you longer than you want to stay.
Listen, we ALL fall short. I don’t say this with a shrug or nonchalantly. I say it because we have ALL experienced moments of doing things that don’t align with who we are. We have all had those moments of “What am I doing? What was I thinking? Why am I going there?” If you are like how I was, these decisions have left you stranded, waiting for someone to pick you up and knock some sense into you. Most importantly, you want to know someone believes in you. God wants you to know He believes in you and sees who He has created you to be and not your mistake. It’s not an excuse to keep doing what you’re doing, but He loves you so much that He sees the best in you.
I want this blog to serve as a reminder that this is not who you are and you must take the steps to get out. Christ is waiting to hear from you as you surrender and ask for forgiveness. In exchange, He will remind you of your destiny, that it’s not over, and how madly in love He is with you- there is no comparable feeling than that. So, please stop. You won’t get what you’re searching for at the rate you are going and the path you are taking. Take His hand and allow Him to pull you out. For video, challenges, and daily encouragements click here.